Silly (but original) jokes

- Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite pick-up line: "Come with me, if you want to live a little."

- Jesus's team met Satan's team in the World Series. Jesus swept.

- Trash the firemen, fire the trashmen -- what any good right-wing mayor does to the unions.

- Opera: "Liked it, but why were all the actors singing?"

- What do you call a collection of drunken crackheads? A peck of pickled pipers.

- Morning sickness: being a morning person.

- Inflation in China: food prices up 84%. Also, now, it's with twelve you get egg roll.

- "I need to crash in a few." -- Mohammed Atta's last words

- Sometimes I shudder to think what Hitler might have done if it hadn't been for term limits.

- Off my lawn, n. phr.: something you get.

- Romanian train conductor, Mr. Ciuciu

- "My wife drives me to work... and to drink."

- "Unlike me, the night is still young."

- [after the latest terrorist bombing in Paris] "I'm glad Beirut has regained its status as the Paris of the Middle East."

- "Do I repeat myself? Very well, then -- I repeat myself. (I am large; I contain multisets.)"

- "How come you shoot so well, and clipped my dog's claws so neatly?" -- "I'm a vet... and, I'm a vet." [apologies to Police Squad!]

- Morning dialog: (not made up)
C: Oh, hon?
S: What?
C: What time do you wanna be woken up?
S: You woke me up just to ask me what time I wanted to be woken up?
C: Well, I didn't know you were sleeping. I heard you cough.
S: What, I never cough in my sleep?
C: Actually, you do.
C: So, what time?

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