- Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite pick-up line: "Come with me, if you want to live a little."
- Jesus's team met Satan's team in the World Series. Jesus swept.
- Trash the firemen, fire the trashmen -- what any good right-wing mayor does to the unions.
- Opera: "Liked it, but why were all the actors singing?"
- What do you call a collection of drunken crackheads? A peck of pickled pipers.
- Morning sickness: being a morning person.
- Inflation in China: food prices up 84%. Also, now, it's with twelve you get egg roll.
- "I need to crash in a few." -- Mohammed Atta's last words
- Sometimes I shudder to think what Hitler might have done if it hadn't been for term limits.
- Off my lawn, n. phr.: something you get.
- Romanian train conductor, Mr. Ciuciu
- "My wife drives me to work... and to drink."
- "Unlike me, the night is still young."
- [after the latest terrorist bombing in Paris] "I'm glad Beirut has regained its status as the Paris of the Middle East."
- "Do I repeat myself? Very well, then -- I repeat myself. (I am large; I contain multisets.)"
- "How come you shoot so well, and clipped my dog's claws so neatly?" -- "I'm a vet... and, I'm a vet." [apologies to Police Squad!]
- Morning dialog: (not made up)
C: Oh, hon?
C: What time do you wanna be woken up?
S: You woke me up just to ask me what time I wanted to be woken up?
C: Well, I didn't know you were sleeping. I heard you cough.
S: What, I never cough in my sleep?
C: Actually, you do.
C: So, what time?
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