(... or Gethsemane 2029, if Jesus really did choose to be born in "4 BC"?)
Gethsemane 2033: a Retrospective.
(Or some even more mundane term than "retrospective," to contrast even more with how thrilling "Gethsemane 2033" sounds! Some near-opposite of "revival": "The Post-Mortem"? Or just something lengthy and boring, like "A Summary of Various Important Lessons Learned"?)
(Or, more accurately -- Gethsemane 2033: a Mash-Up! With a coupla smaller mash-ups inside it! Wheels within wheels!)
A duet between Jesus and Judas, 2K years later. (Treading very lightly, here -- don't wanna offend anyone. Mostly, a take-off on JCS.) Turns into a short musical. (JCS II: Bigger, Shorter, and Edited from Above! Jesus Christ, Superstar meets The Master and Margarita meets golf meets Starmania meets Ace of Spades meets everything, louder than everything else!)
They go over their respective roles in Jesus' real Daddy's Grand Design, and how well each played his role (Judas does his own version of "I Only Want to Say...", and then a new one of "Heaven on Their Minds.") Judas has just finished serving his 2000-year term in Hell -- set free, for good behavior, by Satan (aka Woland, on orders from Jesus, aka Yeshua).
BUT: he did what he HAD to do, very unwillingly yet obediently playing his role. So he's actually the most important human in history! (I think I was told something like that by some very young Mormon chick on IRC, many decades ago.)
(Note: if I understand correctly, the biblical Judas was never forgiven, never mind rewarded. But in JCS, he tells Jesus, "I only did what You wanted me to," and Jesus tells Pilate, "Everything is fixed, and you can't change it." I'm just extrapolating from that.)
So, after serving that seemingly-lengthy but actually relatively-short sentence ("Served 2K years... Seemed like two seconds"), he's now bound for Heaven for all eternity, after this brief little meeting with Jesus back in the Garden.
Again: the most important human EVAH!! Without him reluctantly playing his predestined part, Jesus wouldn't have been arrested, tried, convicted, sentenced, nor of course crucified! And that was the only way for Him to die for our sins! Without Judas, there would be no Christianity at all, and all of humanity would be therefore doomed forever! Really, it was Judas who died for our sins: he suffered tons of guilt when Jesus died, and his mind was so much "in darkness now" that he very-painfully hanged himself -- from some tree, since Jesus also died on a "tree," as He Himself had put it.
Jesus sings all that, also revealing that all the drama in JCS was just scripted LARPing: his Father offered them -- Pilate, Herod, Caiaphas, etc. -- their roles, and they all (some, with mixed feelings) knowingly accepted them! It was all a pre-written collective put-on, but a great show for a great cause (humanity's possibility of salvation) -- AND IT WORKED!!!
(Perhaps, some refused their roles, so others accepted instead -- where are those "refuseniks" now? Discuss.)
Group hug, happy end. The whole cast goes to Heaven.
... Except Thomas, of course (the lone refusenik?). But he was also predestined not to -- and thus, "Though he hasn't earned The Light, he has earned Peace" (as did "the Master," per Bulgakov). So even he'll be just fine.
Also: what, exactly, did Judas spend his term doing? Perhaps, at the Hell computer lab, he studied (maybe, invented!) COBOL? And then, on a Willie-Horton-like "furlough" near the end of his term, he saved humanity AGAIN by fixing the Y2K bug? TWICE, THE TRUE SAVIOR! Jesus bows to HIM! (Just once -- but it means A LOT, coming from, y'know, Jesus.)
... So now, we have Christians, Mormons, Jews, maybe even Muslims (who, their first time attending, have to pay a special, higher, "dhimmi" rate), AND atheists, all willing to bigly pay big bucks to watch this show -- but after the first time, it's free for everybody! AND, also, lots of aging computer geeks, for the COBOL jokes! Jesus commands the theaters to miraculously expand to accomodate them all! (Explained, at some point -- in mere prose -- by somebody playing the theater's manager.)
Gethsemane 2033 becomes a major hit on Broadway; we all happily (or otherwise) retire.
*I* come out on stage at some point (also in prose, playing myself), revealing that Rice, Webber, I, etc. were ALSO predestined to write all of this crap (I don't actually say "crap," unless I'm predestined to come up with a particularly-funny and not-offensive-to-anybody way of saying it. Maybe, not JCS II but JCS #2?). And THAT'S why they haven't sued me for copyright infringement (quoting lots of lines, lots of music, and so on) -- annuerunt coeptis!
... Well, I'll do so once my share of the profits hits 9 figures, which is of course also predestined. In every theater, foreign and domestic, that it's still being played in. A Grand Final Tour, to celebrate the fact that I, too, have fully performed my entire little afterthought of a role: finally explained Christianity to the whole world, so everyone (except me) happily converts. But only through Divine intervention -- I merely played along, just like everyone else! I, like Thomas, have earned not Light but Peace. But we're all heroes, martyrs, and saviors!
Questions, thoughts, criticisms, suggestions?
Jesus Christ Superstar
- "Heaven on Their Minds," Judas (Murray Head): audio
- "This Jesus Must Die," Caiaphas (Victor Brox), Annas (Brian Keith), etc.: audio
- "Damned For All Time / Blood Money," Judas, Caiaphas, Annas, etc.: audio
- "Gethsemane (I Only Want to Say)," Jesus (Ian Gillan): audio
- "King Herod's Song," Herod (Mike D'Abo): audio
- "Superstar," Judas + chorus (can't find a clip from the original -- so, some other version): audio
- "Smoke On the Water": audio
- "Mary Long": audio
- "Ce soir, on danse à Naziland" (Nanette Workman): video
[Note: it's up to the reader to figure out which lines are meant to be sung to which tunes; in some cases, to a tune of the reader's own invention.]
- The Master and Margarita: Wikipedia article
Ace of Spades
- "You're Fired": text
[Note: some other, minor, references are likewise up to the reader to recognize.]
I only want to say
That He traced my way,
And wouldn't take that cup from me,
Though I already felt its poison.
And it burned me!
I'd have rather died,
But to obey, I tried;
He took me for a ride,
And tossed away my pride.
I was just a pup,
But that bitter cup
My whole soul inspired --
So, though sad and tired,
And though it broke my heart,
I gladly played my part!
Listen, maybe, I have failed to reach His expectations --
Tried for three years,
Seemed like thirty...
But could He ask as much from any other man?
And then You died,
I cried and cried,
I found the nearest tree,
That tree was right for me,
"Don't get me wrong," I sang,
Then, on that tree, I hang,
A whimper, not a bang,
And, slowly, every pang
First peaked, and then subsided --
I lived it, then I died it!
And once I died,
I was much more noticed
Than I ever was before;
All the things I'd said and done
Mattered so much more!
People hated, cursed, and blamed me!
"Worst man ever," so they named me --
They didn't understand
My fate had been pre-planned,
Directed by His hand!
I felt so bad, so really, really bad,
I didn't know, yet felt I knew, Your Dad!
And still I knew, and still I knew, my God
Would know I was, would know I was, so truly awed!
And still I knew, and still I knew, my Lord
Would give me pain, but let me know I'd scored!
Would let me die, but then bring me aboard!
By and by,
I shall hear His chord!
Why can't I
Correct my discord?
I can't buy
What I can't afford!
Will the Big Guy
Unsheathe His big sword?
Yes, it is my
Fault that I'm bored!
My ox, awry,
Is getting gored!
I don't deny, I won't deny,
So, why, oh why
Am I ignored?
Should I try
To make myself cured?
Blind men cry,
But speak not a word!
We were CROSS-STARRED, from afar,
It was my loss!
And so, a real superSTAR
Died on a CROSS!
(sung, increasingly fast)
I rose and soared!
In the sky,
Fire I adored!
Does a lie
Make me impure?
Fum fo fi,
Smell it for sure!
Years go by,
Still I endure!
Ointments -- why
Not for the poor?
I didn't pry --
I'm young and spry,
Yet always sore!
Your rum supply,
Please always pour!
I'll start my last tour!
Chérie, mon amour!
Tries me to lure!
Faith is secure!
Je garde la foi,
Mais mon coeur est lourd!
Donne-moi Ta voix,
Et Ton secours!
Mes jours, sans Toi,
Sont aveugles et sourds!
Comme un, deux, trois,
Mes jours sont courts!
Sont simples les lois,
Qu'est-ce que ce soit,
Je Te fais la cour!
Et, bien de fois,
Vers Toi je cours!
(The best case of self-plagiarism, since... WAIT FOR IT... "Mary Long"!)
Why did I die?
I sure knew why!
I knew, I knew,
I hadn't died in vain!
I trusted You,
I hadn't gone insane!
I listened to
His omnipresent brain!
I wasn't hot on "why?"...
I let You watch me die...
I was still inspired,
Still was glad, though tired;
Into my head, You'd wired:
"Soon, you'll be retired!
Two thousand years in Hell,
But then, I'll ring a bell,
You'll clearly hear its knell,
To Hell, you'll say farewell,
To Me, you'll say hello,
And up to Me, you'll go --
And your perfidious kiss
Will earn eternal bliss!"
Yeah, pretty good wages, I'll say!! Sure better than little extras like me get -- I'm still sharing a communal cloud with Annas. Квартирный вопрос даже меня испортил...
I'd tried for three years,
Seemed like ninety;
Served 2K years,
Seemed like two seconds...
(At the lab, though,
While on furlough,
I was noble:
Fixed up Y2K!
Could either One of You...
In my view....
How could You ask that much from even this one man?
... Still, I finished what I started,
What You started --
I didn't start it!
Christ, Thy will was hard,
I was caught off guard,
So I drank Your cup of poison,
But, hanging from that tree,
I knew You'd think of me!
That You might be unkind --
That never crossed my mind...
(Jesus hugs him. Judas pauses, then hugs and KISSES Jesus. Woland briefly teleports the Master over, so he can shake Judas' hand and get a sign of the cross from Jesus, then disappear.)
My mind, at last, is clear:
At last, all too well, I can see
Where we all soon will be.
Once You wiped away my last bitter tear,
I could see that I'd done right by Thee.
I see great things, tomorrow --
You're now the King, and all sin You will ban!
No more terror or horror --
And that's thanks to You, Son of God, Son of man.
For the sake of salvation,
You, Jesus, have died,
Have died, have died, You, Jesus, have died.
For the world, and our nation,
You, Jesus, You, Jesus, You, Jesus, have died.
I had no thought at all about my own reward,
But I obeyed Your orders, of my own accord --
Thank You that I'm
Saved for all time!
I firmly now believe what I know now of You,
I really do believe Your talk of God was true!
And all the bad I've done
Will soon be swept away;
Folks will trust You, every one,
And more so, every day!
Listen, Jesus, I can truly now see
You were right not to listen to me,
And I somehow played my part right, all along;
You have set my soul on fire,
Your love is now my sole desire,
I did right, though I was always wrong!
I remember when this whole thing began:
Not Son of God, then, You were just a man,
But, deep down, my admiration for You never died;
And every word You then did say
Helped lead me down the righteous way,
And I'm glad I got You crucified!
Nazareth, your famous Son
Didn't stay a great unknown,
And, instead of carving wood,
Made us all good!
Hearts that pounded in our chests
Jesus turned from worst to best,
Made us wish nobody harm --
Just with His charm!
Jesus really, truly cared for His race,
So He gave us our own special place --
We were occupied; but independent now, at last, we are!
And of infidels the crowd
Has heard Your message, clear and loud,
That You'll crush them if they go too far,
If they go too far -- ah ah ah ah ah!
All have heard the sacred promise You give:
"He who joins Me, forever shall live!"
And, amazingly, Your word is spreading all the world around!
Wretches see, though once were blind,
Only Heaven's on their minds;
They were lost, but now at last are found!
Yes, at last, they're found -- ah ah ah ah ah!
Through Your love, they're found...
Through Your love, they're found...
Your heart and soul are clear.
You've done very well,
And I'm happy you answered My bell --
Now you're here, that is swell.
Yes, it's swell that you're here,
And, so, now, you can hear
The true story of Heaven and Hell.
Which, at last, He may tell...
Pilate, Herod, Caiaphas, and Peter, and all --
All were asked to serve, and they all answered the call!
Thomas, he turned down a much-more-intricate role;
Fear and doubt corrupted his already-frail soul!
(Still, the hounds of Hell on him I shall not release --
Didn't earn The Light; but still, at least, he's earned Peace.)
Judas, you accepted the most-difficult part,
You were just magnificent -- a great work of art!
You deserve high praise from every man in this nation --
Without you, humanity would have no salvation!
Without you, My Father's work would have been in vain,
Thanks so much for jumping on Our Heavenly train!
Without you, there's no arrest, conviction, crucifixion --
Without you, "Eternal Life" would be a contradiction!
Jesus (+ chorus of Angels from above)
Didn't get it wrong, (Didn't get it wrong,)
Wanna let you know, (Wanna let you know,)
So I sing this song, (So we sing this song,)
Because you stole the show! (Because you stole the show!)
(Judas dear, Judas dear,
You've done your job, won't you please come near?
Judas dear, Judas dear,
You've saved the world, won't you join us here?)
I'd also like to say...
That the only way
For Dad and Me to save the world was through you!
The toughest holes -- you parred,
Nine birdies on your card!
So now the highest blessings will come to you!
Judas, I am overjoyed
To tell you, face to face:
You've been getting quite a name
All around my place!
But you're now back with Christ,
With the great Jesus Christ!
You've fulfilled His wish Divine,
You're now in His arms, not mine --
You're His King of the Jews!
Judas, you just won't believe
The hit you've made down here;
You are all we've talked about,
For the last two thousand years.
And you're now back with Christ,
With the great Jesus Christ!
You have proved that you're no fool,
From boiling hot now go to cool,
New patron of the Jews!
Good thing you hitched your wagon to a Superstar,
He's the only reason why we are now where we are!
I, like you, and even more, am His captive fan,
We all know He's Son of God, and not just any man!
You will now stay with Christ,
With the great Jesus Christ!
Drink His wine, eat His bread,
Let His heart feed your head!
And spread forth the Good News!
You have played your great part,
And you've finished His start!
You have done nothing wrong,
So I bid you, so long!
And be nice to the Jews!
Glad I met you,
Don't forget my name!
We are all just pawns in
God's eternal game!
But I am not God's servant,
That'd be far too lame:
He saves the good, I smite the bad,
We're really just the same!
"Satan" 's just a nickname,
"Woland" 's my true name!
I send you off to meet your God,
Go back to whence you came!
Stay forever with Christ,
With the great Jesus Christ!
And say "hi" to the Jews!
Jesus (+ chorus of Angels, from above):
Judas dear, (Judas dear,
You eagled the fifth! Won't you please come near?)
Judas dear, (Judas dear,
Course record set, won't you join us here?)
Judas dear, (superstar,
Amateur champion -- that, you are!)
Judas dear, (Judas dear,
We're in the Crow's Nest, please climb up here!)
[Note to producer: the Angels' chorus works best in theaters with at least triphonic sound.]
(From their front-row-center seats, Phobos and Deimos -- playing Dismas and Gestas, resp. -- loudly boo: they liked the West-End production better, esp. the décor and costuming. Barrabas, sitting in between, still doesn't know what hit him.)
Autour de nous, il tombe des bombes!
Plus besoin de creuser nos tombes!
Ian Gillan's a hypocrite --
He writes just one song, then he tells us he wrote two!
Murray Head is so sick of it,
He's opted for some Bangkok cloister-goddess crew.
Ryan George (off-stage):
"Hypocrite" / "sick of it" is TIGHT!
Ian Gillan and Arthur Lee, together:
When I'm cold, I need some heat!
When I'm hungry, then I eat!
And if you think it obsolete,
Then you go back across the... street!
Yeah, street, yeah!
Fool's Mate? What a big disgrace,
Watch out, I'ma break your face --
We ended up at the Grand Hotel,
It was empty, cold, and comical;
One thing that Mary Long does well:
Write sermons in the Sunday Chronicle.
Montreux's got waves,
Mont Blanc is in the sky.
Bombs dig our graves --
Ce soir... On danse... Ce soir... On danse --
On danse à JudasLand... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Sounds good, see y'all up there! Which floor is it at, again?
Onze au carré.
Emmett Brown (off-stage):
If only I had a decamegawatt for each one of those...
Donald J. Trump (87, but doesn't look it):
Dan Rather's a dimwit,
And a liar.
Team, it's time to rip it,
My robot buddy, so logical,
Taught me stuff...
All this winning's so pedagogical --
Mes ennemis? Balayés,
Avec leur Crooked Joe.
Au vingtième Janvier,
Je repars à Zéro!
Four more years, let's go, Brandon,
Jared, hold my hand...
Have no fear, I'm still standin',
Rested, ready, tanned.
Turn states Red, heal the nation,
Judas, bless us all.
Close the Fed, tame inflation,
Build the bleeping wall!
William DeVane (off-stage):
But until then -- make sure to buy gold, from Rozz...
(gets drowned out by a very loud...)
Tuh-Tuh-TUH, Tuh-TUH... (repeat)
THE END (as they all dash towards a speedboat; the riff slowly fades, while Paicey wakes up and goes TOTALLY nuts)
© Copyright 2022, Serge Elnitsky
All other music/lyrics/etc. rights owned (AFAIK) by the respective authors; BUT THEY'VE WAIVED THEM, as they were predestined to!
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