Silly (but, I believe, original) jokes

- Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite pick-up line: "Come with me, if you want to live a little."

- Jesus's team met Satan's team in the World Series. Jesus swept.

- Opera: "Liked it, but why were all the actors singing?"

- BurgerTime hero selected a set of drunken crackheads: Peter Pepper picked a peck of pickled pipers.

- Morning sickness: being a morning person.

- Inflation in China: food prices up 84%. Also, now, it's with twelve you get egg roll.

- "I need to crash in a few." -- Mohammed Atta's last words

- Sometimes I shudder to think what Hitler might have done if it hadn't been for term limits.

- Off my lawn, n. phr.: something you get.

- Romanian train conductor, Mr. Ciuciu

- "My wife drives me to work... and to drink."

- "Unlike me, the night is still young."

- "A man never stands so tall as when he stoops to steal candy from a child."

- [after the latest terrorist bombing in France] "I'm glad that Beirut has regained its status as the Paris of the Middle East."

- "Down and out ARE Paris and London."

- "Do I repeat myself? Very well, then -- I repeat myself. I am large; I contain multisets."

- "How come you hit every target, and clipped my cat's claws so neatly?" -- "I'm a vet... and, I'm a vet." [Stolen from The Greatest Line Ever.]

- Always look on the bright side: LSBTYD

- Indefinite integrals ought to end with "- C": just as valid, but think of all the ink/chalk/etc. we'll save!

- Most analysts say the economy will worsen; however, most algebraists say it will improve.

- Some social scientists agree with Rutherford, some don't.

- Kirstie Alley's last words: "But Shelley Long still lives!"

- In English, the standard example of an obvious statement is "2+2=4"; in Russian, it's "2×2=4". Is there a language in which it's "2^2=4"?

- 65536: most people think of it as . I prefer .

- Вот -- заветы Ильичей. / Как узнать, какой там -- чей?

- Самые лучшие русскоязычные юмористы, сто лет тому назад: Аверченко и Зощенко. А еще говорят, что Украина -- не наша!

- "Вчера я в Ленинграде, в Кировском, смотрел 'Ивана Сусанина'. Или... тьфу, опять все перепутал! Это я в Питере, в Мариинском, смотрел 'Жизнь за царя'..."

- "И, Ахмашу избегая..."

- Not my joke, but true story:
S, after several hours of debugging: "OK, I've finally found it! When some_function() calls some_other_function(), it passes it some_array[1] instead of some_array[0]!"
[pause]
K: "Well, that's really the only kind of bug there ever is... Some 0s should've been 1s, some 1s should've been 0s..."

- "It's not the heat, it's the humidity of my clothes."

- From somebody's Wikipedia page: "he grew up speaking French in an impoverished home with an abusive father"

- "These people -- and I use the term loosely -- ..."

- New social-media poster "Testing123" explains his handle: "Well, 'Testing1' through 'Testing122' were already taken..."

- USA : stately :: Canada : provincial ?

- August 21, 2017: total solar eclipse in the afternoon, Deep Purple (once Guiness-certified as "the world's loudest band") concert in the evening. "It's not often that you can go blind and deaf, on the same day!"

- Morning dialog: (also, true story)
C: "Oh, hon?"
[pause]
C: "HON?"
[pause]
S: "What?"
C: "What time do you wanna be woken up?"
[pause]
S: "You woke me up just to ask me what time I wanted to be woken up?"
C: "Well, I didn't know you were sleeping. I heard you cough."
S: "What, I never cough in my sleep?"
C: "Actually, you do."
[pause]
C: "So, what time?"

Bonus true story:

Grading papers. Problem: "Prove that if a graph is not connected, then its complement is connected."

"We use a contrapositive proof..."